The major part of the text is an autobiographical and poetic account of the death of my beloved and my queer encounters with the many norms - Christian norms, heteronorms etc - surrounding death. It is introduced by a contextualizing foreword with theoretical reflections on queer widowhood and mourning. The text is an excerpt from a longer autoethnographic and autophemenographic exploration of queer patienthood, cancer death, and widowhood. That the exploration is autophenomenographic means that my autoethnography is inspired by a phenomenological approach, giving priority to issues of embodiment and affectivity. With my insistence on queer widowhood and mourning, I want to resist neoliberal, health-normative and individualist culture, which fetishizes personal happiness and requires that we ignore vulnerability, unhappiness and loss. In this vein, I align my reflections and poetic, autobiographical writings with queer investigations of negative, gloomy, sad and dark emotions and affectivities, following queer scholar Ann Cvetkovich’s suggestion that ‘resting in sadness without insisting that it be transformed or reconceived’ (Cvetkovich: Depression 2014) might open up productive possibilities, personally, politically and theoretically. I also frame my reflections and poetic writings as queerfemme-inist, following queer scholar Ulrika Dahl’s reflections on ‘femme’ as a feminist figuration (Dahl: Skamgrepp, 2014). My mourning is shaped by my queer-feminine love for the queer-masculinity of my beloved, and also by our shared feminist commitments and quest for queerfeminist materialist philosophical alternatives to the ontologies of life and death, cultivated by Christianity and dualist traditions in western philosophy.
Stockholm: Föreningen Lambda Nordica , 2016. no 1